Saturday, 4 August 2018

depression or just sadness?

kali nie nak cerita benda yang sangat personal. aku rasa, zaman sekarang ramai yang dah tahu pasal depression/stress/anxiety. aku nak cerita pasal diri aku. how i fight that feeling.

edited : aku ada buat poll kat instagram, so ramai yang setuju aku share, aku share je la eh. lama simpan dalam draft.

assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera~


pada tahun 2016, bapak aku meninggal sebab kanser. aku baru habis belajar. majlis rasmi graduation pada tahun 2017. that time was the lowest time of my life. aku rasa sedih gila2. sampai rasa takda rasa apa2. pada tahun 2017, tiap hari bagi aku adalah seksaan sebab kerja asyik tidur, bangun tidur rasa nak nangis. dalam shower/toilet menangis, dan aku rasa no one knows yang aku menangis sebab menangis pun diam2 je (sakit menangis senyap2 nie wahhahahhaa). life is keep throwing me some lemon. it hurts. masa tu aku tak kerja (malas cari kerja, stress), mak aku asyik bising suruh aku cari kerja dan keluar rumah bergaul dengan orang sebab aku asyik kat bilik, layan laptop, bangun tidur macam orang takdak life. bila mak membebel pasal itu ini, aku rasa betapa useless-nya aku. rasa tak layak hidup kat dunia. patutnya aku je yang mati (astaghfirullahalazim). bila tengok pisau, pen dan sebagainya rasa nak cucuk diri.  lepas tu menangis lagi sebab menyesal fikir macam tu. tapi alhamdulillah, aku jenis pemikir. aku fikir kalau aku mati, family aku mesti lagi sedih. lagipun aku anak pertama. bila fikir pasal tanggungjawab, tekanan orang sekeliling yang banyak tanya pasal life aku, lagi aku stress. bila dah sampai satu tahap, aku persoalkan kenapa aku jadi macam nie, kenapa life aku macam nie. 

masa tu, makan minum aku memang tunggang langgang. aku malas makan mandi. rela berlapar. kekadang aku berjaga sampai pagi. kekadang tak tidur. stress gila2. kekadang rasa pening melampau, tangan bergegar (mungkin sebab tak makan) dan susah bernafas (bila rasa macam nie, aku istighfar banyak). aku tak bagitau sesiapa aku rasa macam nie, aku tak luah kat sesiapa. sebab aku jenis taktau nak meluah aka malas meluah aka malas orang concern. tanda2 stress tumbuh kat muka, muka kusam, jerawat makin banyak, bawah mata makin hitam. susah nak jumpa orang aka malu nak jumpa orang. especially orang yang dikenali. sebab aku nak elakkan pelbagai soalan dan aku tak suka dengar yang kononnya 'nasihat'. bila keluar rumah, jenjalan sejam dua rasa dah pening2 lalat. aku jadi cepat marah, cranky and moody all the time.

masa tu, aku banyak layan laptop, layan anime, layan blog dan tengok segala movie, kdrama, youtube. sebab nak sibukkan diri dan kekadang tidur sepanjang hari, malas nak fikir pasal realiti. bila jumpa orang, buat macam biasa je (dahlah aku jenis pendiam, takbanyak cakap), sama jugak bila kat sosial media (maybe ada la drop sikit hint tapi jarang).

this is a lil bit too personal, but okay once in a while and why not right?

sometimes when people around me care about that and keep talking about what they actually feel and sad about my situations, i really appreciate that sentiment, but i'm not the kind of person who actually feels reassured, i really don't need that kind of talks. i feel bad for making you sad for me. actually, i just need you to cheer me up and act normally as usual. that actually what people need in that kind of situations. at least that is in my point of view. (who actually agree with me) thanks to those who act normally to me during that time.

sometimes, it just because of people. yeah, they maybe care about my family. but the way they care sometimes is a bit too much. it just that we have our own way of doing things. they really need to understand that and just cheering us for doing a great job in living our life.

tapi dalam sedih2, depress/sadness tu, aku cuba cari sisi positif setiap bulan. aku buat WRAP UP ENTRIES tiap bulan kat blog. i can't believe how positive i am (aku try hard gila nak jadi positive), taking pictures, editing and writing become my kind of therapy, i'm quite enjoyed doing it.

masuk tahun baru, 2018. aku sedar yang aku perlu bangkit. i need to change my life. takkan nak jadi hikkikomori selamanya dan buat mak aku sedih. then, aku start cari kerja dengan serious secara online. register jobstreet, apply kerja bidang aku minat dan berkaitan, dapat a few calls dan email untuk interview tapi jauh ya ampun macam kl, kuching dan sebagainya. (maybe aku akan cerita pasal cari kerja, interview di lain post). a step to change myself.

it took me 1 year and a half (almost) to recover my confidence and self-love(?)


so, alhamdulillah. aku dah lepas phase depression or anxiety or just sadness tu. aku taktau pun aku yang mana satu. bagi yang korang2 ada rasa macam tu, be strong okay. kalau hati korang dah tak boleh tengok the 'bright side', positive side in your life. seek for help, jangan sorang2. aku tak berani nak diagnose sendiri. atau maybe cuma sadness. but that feeling really sucks. but see the bright side and don't go to the dark side. keep walking in this life journey, you might fall and hurts, but that will make you stronger in future.

this is the new me. I'm not changing. I'm just learning something from the past :)

love yourself ❤

sorry la kalau blog post nie banyak rojak2. hahahhaa
till then, jaa matta ne~

19 comments:

  1. Glad that BV dah lepas depression/anxiety phase tu while I am here still struggling to move from that 'dark place' ๐Ÿ˜”

    But I will try my best to move on and focus more on the future ๐Ÿ˜Š

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, BV dah lepas T^T harap boleh terus move on in everything ya :)
      all the best to youuuu :*

      Delete
  2. If at that time BV diberi borang scoring depression maybe la you would be diagnosed as having depression.

    Waa finally I found someone who wants to be treated the same way I want when I feel sad. I want people to act as if nothing happened, bukannya tunjuk dia sedih jugak. Huhu.

    Teruskan blogging if that is what you enjoy doing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. maybe, ada jugak borang macam tu ye, baru tau pulak :)

      kannnnn, depend ngan orang jugak kannn. yayyy, kita sama :D
      of course, memang BV enjoy blogging sebab selalu terfikir nak update apa kat blog :3

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  3. Moga sentiasa kuat, BV! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. samalah kak :"( especially time sblum kmk nak masuk U dlok,yarabi that feeling though,susah gilak mok explain. Bangun pagi jak ya allah rasa mcm bgs gik mun sik bgn selamanya. agik2 kmk pun anak first,rasa cam tanggungjwb besar gilak tapi kmk rasa drik useless. nang 24 hrs dlm umh,sik kluar selama lebih dari 5 bulan. tapi bila dah masuk U balit tok rsa macam alive sikit,alhamdulilah.

    fighting kak! kita perlu lawan feeling tok senanya. and mun kita fikir pasal family kita inshaallah everything will be okay. solution nya kadang2 kita just perlu polah bnda yg kita suka & iboh lalek ngn apa org lain madah. you can do it kak! i know you can :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. nang sama rasa kita, kmk pun anak first T^T alhamdulillah, bagus la mun camya :)

      ktk juak fighting! bena ya, setuju gilak, nang mesti fikir pasal family and polah benda yang kita suka, yalah oh, thankssss a lot for your kind words T^T <3

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  5. it's really hurts...
    somehow...benda nilah yang buat kita lebih bersyukur tentang makna hidup.
    u can do it bv! and hopefully i can pass this phase too....
    =)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. kannnn, betul dan setuju sangatttt, banyak benda yang buat BV bersyukur. alhamdulillah. you tooo <3 stay strong and be cool :D

      Delete
  6. Lya pun taktau how to differentiate sadness and depression tapi I think semua orang pun ada that one time rasa macam ni termasuk Lya sendiri. Glad that BV dah lepas phase tu. Harap positive vibes je after this okay :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. yess, BV pun rasa semua orang akan ada some of that point in theirs life :) alhamdulillah, dah lepas, harap terus kuat la lepas nie. lets spread the positive vibes <3

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  7. I'm glad to know that you survived the fights.. It was not an easy journey though but yes, self love is a must for not getting dragged too far.. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yesss, please love yourself :)
      kena appreciate setiap kelebihan dan kelemahan diri, thanksss :D

      Delete
  8. saya takpernah rasa apa yang awak rasa, apa yang awak alami sorang sorang tapi saya tahu mesti susah nak hadapi semua tu dan alhamdulillah awak berjaya. awak kuat sangat. by the way, saya first time datang sini and terus follow sebab nak tahu entry seterusnya nak tengok awak makain happy, saya suka content blog ni. saya followers ke 2385

    ReplyDelete
  9. <3 lots of hug and kisses for you BV!

    ReplyDelete

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arigatouuu!